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- Regret
I have attempted, in my life, to avoid any feelings of regret at any time, no matter the circumstance. I have never regretted anything, nor have I felt sorry for doing something that I felt was right. I have continued on this path of self-proclaimed righteousness only to find out that some things I have regretted but I chose to bury them instead of deal with them head on.
I left Burlington, Vermont on a whim. I seriously was going because Delta put me in overhaul, destroyed the only relationship that was semi-stable at the time, and completely messed up my life. I tried to recover for a few months, but instead, I swam deeper and deeper until I started drowning in sorrow and regret. What had I done? I had ran… and I ran far. As far away as I could just to get away from life and what it was doing to me.
What have I always done? I’ve always ran. I ran from Mike in Pennsylvania. I ran from Ryland in Indiana. I ran from Peter in Vermont. I ran from John in West Lafayette. Am I always going to keep running even though I should face my fears head on and own up to my own misgivings?
I ran from Mike because Mike was older. He kept me in a stranglehold and never let me go. It was like being perpetually raped by a Priest, even though he wasn’t a Priest. He was just a Catholic gay man that continued on a path of self-righteousness on his own accord. He thought that he could control me with money, something that I didn’t have as a readily available liquidity flow. He kept me where I was because he paid for things I otherwise wouldn’t have been able to afford on my own. Of course, I was 16 and still under my parents, but I had a job and a life outside of my parents, one they never knew about until I was forced into psychiatry after a dubious text message was found on my T-Mobile cell phone, once upon a time.
I ran from Ryland in Indiana because it was a case of perpetual abuse. I was beat senselessly and I was squandered. I was flattered when I left because everyone thought that I had beat him up. It was silly because that’s not the way it occurred at all. He was the one that managed to break my foot, give me black eyes, and break my bones. He was the one that caused the damage, not me. I once was called “crazy,” because at one point I just started beating the shit out of him with my cane. (I had to walk with one because he had broken my foot.) I beat him with it with rage. I was angry, confused, and upset. How could the person I loved hit me both physically and emotionally have no recourse for his actions? These questions were never asked when it was going on. I just thought it was something I had to deal with; something that was necessary. I brought him to Vermont initially to see if we could get back on track there, after I had decided to move. He beat me up again in our hotel room. That was the end of Ryland… and I ran. I stayed in Vermont for a long time, hoping to heal my wounds of discontent, however it turned into desperation, and to my despair, it turned into premature infatuation with someone who I thought I loved.
In Vermont, I had Peter. I believe that I was desperate and needed a chance to rebound. Peter was a great guy. A wonderful guy actually. He had a lot that was great about him and he was such a nice person. We could sit and talk for hours without even realizing that time had passed. I enjoyed every moment that I was with him, but I realized toward the end of what we had, it wasn’t love. It was infatuation. A good friend of mine that moved with me from Indiana to Vermont told me that I needed to be careful because infatuation is something that will get you in big trouble. I didn’t listen to her and Peter and I fell apart fast. We began to bicker and fight. I was stressed out to the max and at the time I was led into a disparaging life that made me feel like I was hopeless and would be continuously bound to a counter with hundreds of angry people screaming in my face. That wasn’t the case. After Peter and I ended, literally, 20 minutes after the last argument ended, I was on a Northwest flight with one seat left headed out of Burlington, Vermont to Evansville, Indiana.
I came back home and tried to start over again. Three months had passed and then I met John. John was a good guy and I’ll still, to this day, say that he was a good guy. He didn’t do anything that was hurtful in a physical manner, but there were small things that hurt me emotionally, and I guess in turn, again, I wasn’t ready for a relationship. I went into it full on, still not over Ryland. Ryland and I dated for a good two years and for some odd reason he was still on my mind. I even went to dinner with him when I came back home and it was as if nothing was wrong. We were in good spirits, we had everything under control, and we were good. I even told him that I would help him find a job. With Ryland doing well, I felt like I was doing bad. I was having a tiff with my parents and a personal situation that I don’t dare post here, so I returned home for a few weeks to clear my mind. During that time period, John and I fell apart completely. I almost attempted suicide and was unable to return to my previous state. I was discouraged, alone, and distraught. John and I mutually ended the relationship in person in West Lafayette and I did not return again for another two months…
…and then I found Jacob. People have been asking me if Jacob is the same as all of the others. My dad holds no conviction to meet Jacob, or even talk to Jacob, even though he is an integral part of my life. This is what I have to say to everyone else:
Jacob is different from all of them. Reason being: This time, I was ready. Jacob and I are in love, very much. I love that man with all my heart and nothing-and literally, I mean nothing-will change that. Even if we do break up, which God-forbid it if we do, he will always be in my heart no matter what.
Jacob is amazing. We have a relationship that is a give and take relationship. We both put in as much as we receive, we communicate effectively, and we’re a great team together. Jacob and I even go to church together, something I have never done with a boyfriend before. Jacob exhibits everything I have ever wanted in someone and as such, he will be the one I will remain in love with until I die.
The title of this blog is “Regret.” What I’d like to tell everyone is that I don’t regret anyone I have ever dated or had a fling with. Regret is a relative term that can only be adequately applied to someone who really has a discouragement toward something in their life. I am not discouraged that things have happened. Peter and John built me up to where I am today. They allowed me to see clearly in a relationship and as such, have built my relationship with Jacob up tenfold and I would like to thank them both for all of their help.
