In this two part series, called Hush, I am going to write about how the world, as a whole, forces homosexuals and people of differing ideals further into the closet because of their fears.  The intolerance and bigotry has to come to an end and the stereotypes have to be avoided.  In part one, I will write about how people are forced to be silent and how people are given gag orders by their families in an effort to preserve their family dignity. I will also tell my own story of how my friend got over his insecurities because of my “coming out”.

Part One: The Silencing

Many families in the United States, and typically religious nations that have strong convictions toward a particular organized religion, such as Christianity or Islam, have given their children “gag orders” in an effort to quell differing ideas, or better yet, homosexuality.  Fortunately, for me, my family, other than my parents, accepted the homosexuality and went as far as saying, “It’s okay.  We still love you anyway.”

For years, from age 16 to 20, I was forced to keep silent about what was going on.  I wasn’t supposed to tell anyone and above all, I wasn’t supposed to let anyone know that our family was having difficulty with the situation.  My parents kept a tight lid on my homosexuality, fearing that if it got out, the perfect image of our family would be destroyed and their sanctity would be effaced. 

However, as time went on and I saw psychiatrist and counselors like crazy, my world began to change.  I started focusing on attempting to rid myself of my family’s problem, while similarly ignoring who I was.  As I kept trying to change what was going on, I kept falling back into my old ways.  I would try going to church and retreats.  I tried to accept that religion was my only way out, but I failed.  Every time, I would go back to my old ways and be who I was.  I finally realized that there was no changing that.

I kept it under wraps for quite sometime.  Boyfriend after boyfriend was masked with girlfriend after girlfriend.  I was living a double life and I had nowhere to go. I kept telling myself that I was doing the right thing by lying and hiding, but I wasn’t.  Lying and hiding wasn’t achieving anything but disdain and discontent.  I would later realize that part of the reason I can lie so well now is because of that situation.  If I had just been allowed to be free and open, maybe it all would have changed for me?  Maybe I would have been different than what I am… but I am not.  I am who I am… and I am gay.

For a few more years I was pushed into endless silence.  I kept my mouth shut for the dignity of my parents and then finally one day, I said, “Who the hell cares anymore?  If I can’t be honest with myself, then how can I be honest with anyone else?”  I called my grandmother up, and I told her.  She sat silent for a few seconds and then said, “I still love you anyway, but I already knew.”  A similar reaction came from my aunt who said, “It’s about fucking time.  I knew you were gay since you were two!”  

The fact that my family accepted me more than my parents made me feel relieved.  My family is a bizarre group of people, but loving nonetheless.  There’s a bizarre split in religious ideals in my family, most notably the division between Southern Baptist and Roman Catholic.  On top of that, my father’s mother is a Unitarian Universalist, so that makes things even more interesting for family conversations and what not. 

What I found most heroic about my family is the fact that they cast their religious convictions aside and still loved me anyway.  Their acceptance of who I was made so much more of a difference than anything I had ever felt in my entire life.  It made me feel good… It made me feel loved… It made me feel wanted. 

After I told my family, I proceeded to tell my closest friends, those being the people I have known since I was a wee little one, Christopher, Tiffany and Drew.  Drew knew already and had no problem with it.  She made the remark that she was “devastated” to see another “beautiful male” go to the “dark side,” but nonetheless, she supported me and that was all that mattered.  Tiffany knew too, I think, but all in all, I think things went well with her, even though we don’t speak at all.  However, my closest male friend, Christopher, was a different story.

Christopher accepted me better than any of the other ones.  As a straight male, it’s rather difficult to accept the fact that a good friend of your’s is gay, and honestly, I understand his pain.  Christopher cast all of his convictions aside as well and said that it was okay.  In fact, even tonight, as we spoke on AIM, he said, “I’ve been talking a lot about you lately.”  I was a little astonished, I must admit, but at the same time I was rather curious, so I asked, “What about and to whom?”  

He told me that he had just said that it was good to have a gay friend and that it helped him get over a lot of his insecurities about homosexuality.  He said that he grew to be more tolerant and that it taught him a great deal about the different viewpoints in the world.  Christopher, Tiffany and I, come from a much different world than most people.  We come from a sheltered, basically Christian lifestyle and we are taught nothing else until we experience it firsthand.  As Christopher said, people in our town won’t even come out because they fear for their lives, and that is extremely unfortunate.  This brings me to the reason this is called Hush. 

When intolerance is so prevalent that you can’t even live your life day-to-day without the fear of being murdered because of your ideas or lifestyle, something is definitely wrong with where you live.  The thing is though is that you shouldn’t have to move to be able to express yourself.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m not a flamboyant homosexual and I absolutely despise Cher, but if you are having issues living in a straight man’s world just because you’re gay, something is terribly wrong with society.

As I have said before, in the blog post, Promoting the Homo Agenda, religious intolerance is spiraling out of control.  I don’t hate straight people because they’re straight,  I don’t hate Muslims because they’re Muslims, and I sure as hell don’t hate Christians because they are Christians.  Why do Christians believe that it is their God-given right to prejudge and hold homosexuals in contempt for their lifestyle?  Some denominations go so far as hating people who are gay so much that they threaten to kill them saying that it would be wise in the eyes of God.  I honestly want to know how these people can literally call themselves Christians when they promote so much hatred.

I have heard day in and day out about Christians saying that “Muslims promote hatred in the Koran.”  Really?  Can you tell me where this is at?  Can you tell me where it says “murder all of the Christians”?  I have yet to see it.  If you want to bring it to my attention, I’d be more than happy to read it, but unfortunately, I fear that you will take something completely out of context, like you do in the Holy Bible and gravely misconstrue it to the point of no return. As Margaret Cho once said, “I want Jesus to come back just so he’ll say, ‘THAT’S NOT WHAT I MEANT!’” 

In all honesty, I have run into far too many homosexuals and bisexuals who are terrified of telling people who they really are.  When society begins to dictate the way people live and it begins to produce its own self-malice against people of differing ideals, we need to really sit back and think about what we’re doing to people.  Homosexual men and women are amongst the highest in attempted suicide and suicide rates in the United States.  If we step back and look at the fact that teenage suicides are two to three times more likely to happen because of insolent bigots not accepting the fact that we’re different, we will begin to understand and value human life a little bit more than we do now.  So the next time, you begin to say something toward a friend of your’s that is gay, or better yet, just someone you know, think about how it adversely affects them.  You don’t know if they’re gay or not, but to be an imbecile and continue to pester at an already troubled individual because society doesn’t accept them, you’re aiding to the possible suicide that someone had already been contemplating.

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• « Promoting the Homo Agenda?
• » Hush – Part Two: The Intolerance

• BROWSE / IN Change is Life
• « Promoting the Homo Agenda?
• » Hush – Part Two: The Intolerance